Hello everyone! I know that I have been absent for a very long time--too long if you ask me. And I apologize. It is my fault entirely why I have been gone, and the things that I am going to write about. I accept that fact. And well, I am here to tell you something that I have recently started to understand about God.
God does not disappear. He does not leave, and He does not abandon. I am a huge fan of the band NeedToBreathe. Their song, "Through Smoke" is what God used recently to show me part of who He is, exactly. I know that I will never understand the whole of God and His majesty, but that's okay. We aren't supposed to.
I went through a dark time around this time last year. My mother had told me that she wished she had given me up for adoption when she had the chance, although those weren't the words she used in conversation--those were much worse. I went to a friends house. I was deeply in friendship with this gentleman (he's only 111 months older than I, and we have been dating for 6 years), and he stayed at this family' house. I knew this family and loved being around them. They helped me in many ways with my spiritual journey and supported me in many things I did within the church when my own family did not. When my mother revealed to me how she truly felt about me, I was crushed. I had never felt a hurt so deep, never a wound that bled for so long. I called this family, the wife, her name will not be disclosed, got in her car with her husband and this gentleman of mine, and came to my house to get me. I got in their car, and cried. I sat in the arms of the gentleman (John) for what felt like hours. They took me to lunch, but I couldn't tell you what we talked about, or what I ate; I was so numb, so empty at this point, that I couldn't feel anything. I couldn't appreciate anything. My mother told me to go to this family' house for four days; she said four because she wanted me to be home for Christmas eve, but didn't want to see me until then. So I left, naturally.
To this day, I feel no inclination to engage in conversation or be in the presence of my mother. I feel no pain, no happiness, no joy around her. Upon my returning home, I began cutting. A lot. I cut my legs on a daily basis. It felt like if I could tear away all the flesh on my body, maybe I could be a different person and she wouldn't hate me, maybe she would want me. After a while, I sought help. I talked to many people about what I was doing and why, and I refused to shower or shave for days. I took sponge-baths instead or showers, and wore pants every day and every night. Eventually, God saved me like He always had. He reached down, and placed people in my life to mirror what He had in-store for me. A dear friend from Georgia, a close friend that taught me to use my voice, and multiple bands messaging me on Twitter and Facebook with words of encouragement and prayers for support and healing.
Over the summer, I went on a mission trip to CT, and God really opened my eyes to His glory and how good it feels to serve Him. He fed my soul everyday for the entire week. I was full of fire and brimstone, bubbling over with excitement. I knew that because I had God on MY side, I would be okay in every and any situation.
Then, the world came crashing down all around me. Encasing me in a place I was unfamiliar with, but felt every corner of every wall, and every crack in all the floorboards. I stopped reading my Bible, and sin filled my life. I was caught red handed satisfying my momentary desires instead of waiting for my eternal directions. I have been lost. I have been hiding. I have disappeared behind everything I can see--behind my cloud of smoke. I am no longer able to see, hear, or feel God. And I am dying without Him. I am trying desperately to do what I know how to, which is not much. I have a devotional that I began a day ago, I keep my Bible on me at all times, although I haven't quite gotten around to reading it again yet. I listen to the christian music radio station, waiting and hoping on a song that God will use to speak to me and give me direction and guidance. I pray. I am being attacked on all fronts by the Devil, and I cannot get him to leave me alone. The things I see and hear and feel are thing no person outside of the realm of Christ could ever comprehend. I am dead. I am dying. I am disappearing behind my own wall of smoke and now it is choking me and suffocating me until I near death. I am waiting in a quiet place for directions. My prayers are earnest and questioning. I cannot bring myself to attend Sunday church services, although I know I desperately need to go.
I am at a loss. I am waiting for someone, anyone, to find me in this cloud. I am waiting for God to come and rescue me from my own destructive behavior. If you get the chance, I hope you will hear the song "Through Smoke" by NeedToBreathe. And when you do, I hope you get as much out of it as I did.
Thank you.
God Bless.
-Cheyenne
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